Good morning! I guess. Sitting here today at work trying to focus meanwhile my 20 something year old son is lying in a bed three hours from me detoxing from a month long bender on drugs. Meanwhile I pride myself having reached the ripe old age of 40 something without even a speeding ticket to my name. How did we get here? I ask myself this question countless times. What did I do wrong early on? Then I realize that I must not be alone. We are struggling with this drug epidemic all over the country so I can’t be alone? Right? What has happened to this generation that drugs become normal and everywhere?!!  Not even a 7 month stay at a county jail could thwart my child from returning to the poison that is slowly claiming his life. One snort, one injection and one swallow at a time. He cannot even decide his route of choice because there are too many he enjoys and why choose one right?! I’ve asked him countless times what did I do? Please tell me I can take it? Did I not show you enough love?  He finally got tired of me asking and said “mom get over yourself”. “You have done nothing! I love drugs. I love the way they make me feel and I don’t want to stop.”  How can I compete with that?

I have watched the bright young child I tried to raise on my own turn into a human I don’t even recognize. I have had to see my son’s picture be posted on social media to try and identify him because he stole money. Meanwhile I work, parent other children and try to remain afloat. I wonder why I wake up sometimes with a strange feeling. Perhaps it is because my son is most likely laying amongst strangers in an abandoned house somewhere. Perhaps it is because I have had to detach myself from this situation and actually have convinced myself that tenting in New England during colder months can’t be that bad right?

How do you detach from a child that you brought into this world? Nourished and grew for 9 months. Somehow fast forward to a world in which you know they are out there but you don’t know where or with whom. They resurface every so often and tell you they are sober and fine. They promise you this job is the best they’ve ever had and then you wait. You wait because the story is familiar and you know. Deep down you know.  The soul can only take too much. After you realize they convinced you to drive them to places and you realize you could have been part of drug deals unwittingly. You start to step back. The anger surfaces. You have other children to protect. That begins the process of detachment. It is a survival skill. Or is it serenity? Is it grace? I certainly am not sure. I do know that I cannot be alone. Something has happened to me deep inside that allows me to function and continue with life without lying in a fetal position 24/7 because I cannot cope.

There must be others thinking what I am. This epidemic does not know socioeconomic lines. None of us are safe anymore. Rich families and poor families. I wish I had the answers on how to fix this and where we all went wrong but I don’t.

I would love to hear other similar stories. I do not want this to be a place of blame. Or debating if addiction is a disease, mental illness or other. I don’t want to see it compared to diabetes. I don’t think we need to discuss whether or not Narcan should be free. What does it matter when your son is lying in a bed trying to detox from countless types of drugs that could kill him? I know I don’t care. The bottom line for me, is he clearly has been powerless. Whether or not deep down he has the power it remains to be seen. It’s his rodeo not mine. I am completely 100 percent unable to change his course in life. That is the tough truth here. You can give birth to a child but you cannot make their adult choices. You can only hope they find their way home.